Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
