Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
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