My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
