when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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