I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
how do flat chested girls get laid?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
