Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
