you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
