No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
