I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
