this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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