i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
