Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
How naked do you want me to be?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
