if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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