I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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