a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Randomize
