Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
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