ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
