I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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