Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
