You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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