he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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