can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
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