just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Randomize
