I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
