His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
