Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
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