hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Is that strawberry winking at me??
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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