you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I did not marry a roomba.
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