So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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