on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
