i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
