Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
