well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
