i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
