I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
50% drunk capacity currently
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
