So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
