Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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