Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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