Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
