The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Quick, to the slutcave!
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
He passed out mid-signature
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
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