I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
