Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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