i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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