I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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