Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
