My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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