Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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