I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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