yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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