so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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