im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
