she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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