My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
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