Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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