You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
