I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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