the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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