I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
