i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
