i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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