so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
