bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
