She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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